Home > Blog > Gratitude > One Simple Question That Will Enrich Your Thanksgiving (and Your Life)

It’s Thanksgiving already and we’re hitting that time of the year where everything speeds up even more, the deadlines come fast and furious and the stress mounts. A strange thing happens when we’re stressed… our brains are wired so that when we’re busy and stressed, we get what you might call “tunnel vision.” Our cognitive functioning is changed by stress; the amount of information that we can take in visually and can process cognitively becomes more limited so that we’re noticing much less. As we notice less, the information that our brains ignore tends to be the stuff that represents what’s safe or enjoyable, while we focus more on the things that seem threatening, challenging, risky or annoying.

It might seem like a strange thing and the results of this change in our cognitive functioning doesn’t seem to help us deal better with our stress either. Having a limited perspective and focusing on the negative stuff makes us feel even more stressed and also makes us more likely to make mistakes and poor decisions and to get into conflicts with other people.

So why do we do this? The cognitive changes that happen when we’re stressed are actually a brilliant evolutionary survival mechanism designed to protect us. In the event that we’re being chased by a lion or our food and water sources are drying up, we don’t need to notice the beautiful Serengeti sunset. It would be better if we limited our attention to the threats and risks so that we’re more efficient and effective in responding to them.

The problem is that life has changed. Most of us no longer need to outrun lions or worry about finding new food and water sources, so we don’t need to limit our attention and focus on threats and risks. The sorts of problems we face these days actually demand bigger perspective thinking, the ability to consider a lot more information, the ability to respond to subtle emotional and social cues so that we work well with other people, and the ability to think creatively. Unfortunately, life is so busy and most of us are so stressed all of the time – especially this time of the year – that our brains are permanently in this state of limited, negative perspective. As a result, we pass each other by and often don’t really even see each other. And when we do see each other, we tend to notice what annoys us about each other, rather than the things we appreciate about each other.

This thanksgiving, stop and take a moment to override your brain’s stress response with a simple question that will transform and enrich your experience of Thanksgiving and bring you back to what you appreciate more about each other. Here’s how it works:

A great time to do this together is just before or just after you enjoy your Thanksgiving meal. Each person turns to the person to their left and answers the question, “What’s one specific thing I appreciate about you right now?” Because we don’t practice appreciation much, your guests may need some helps with expressing their appreciation. Explain to your family or guests that their answers should be genuine, short, specific and behavioral. In other words, if someone says something vague like, “You’re really sweet,” then encourage them to get more specific and to share just one example of a time when they noticed that their partner was doing something sweet.

Go around the table, giving everyone a chance to express their appreciation to the person to their left, one at a time. Notice the pink flush in each other’s faces as you’re each hearing genuine and specific words of appreciation being spoken about you. Notice the rich intimacy that builds are you go around the table and you each feel truly seen and appreciated. Notice how your expressing appreciation gets your partner doing more of that behavior in weeks to come, and how that enriches your relationships even further. Most of all, slow down, listen and enjoy. There’s no rush, you have plenty of food and water, and there really is no lion chasing after you!

Photo Credit: Leo Reynolds